What does she see in me?

Have you ever thought… what does she see in me?  In the situation that I’m referencing, it’s not romantic.  Sadly, in this case, “what does she see in me” is a reflection on my poor self-image, and how that low esteem prevented me from protecting my friend.

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I worked at a downtown office when I met her… she was a bombshell blonde executive with what appeared to me to be the perfect body, perfect smile, and terrific personality.  We seemed to hit it off right away and had it not been for her fabulous attributes, I would have thought we were friends.  However, she was a Gucci brand and I was a Walmart special.  What could she possibly see in me to want to be my friend?  I’m fat.  I’m homely.  And I recently had a baby and my hair is thinning.  She wears what appear to be high designer clothes and I’m struggling to make ends meet to buy at thrift shops.  She drives a beautiful Toyota and I drive a used Ford.  Since I had no attribute that anyone would see worthy enough to want to build a friendship on, she must just be nice in the office as it’s the polite thing to do. 

Well, time went on and we shared a few laughs and even went for lunch a couple times.  Then the day came when I let my guard down and decided that maybe… just maybe… she was sincere and actually liked me as a friend.  I remember that day.  We both worked in the lower level of the building and her office was right beside my reception desk.  She had brought a Siamese fighting fish into her office and called me in to see it.  She also had a bamboo plant that she took great pride in because it didn’t need sunshine or much water so she wouldn’t kill it.  We laughed.  

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At that moment, I accepted that she had a warm heart and could see beyond my nothingness and was a friend.  My little girl, who was four at the time, would come into the office every so often and would look for Christy, who she truly believed was Barbie.  I’d say, “No, Christy.”  She’s say “No Mom… Barbie.”  So I left the little girl to believe her idol had come to life and that Barbie was as beautiful of a human being on the inside as plastic Mattel Barbie portrayed on the outside.

Christy eventually changed jobs and we didn’t work together anymore.  However, we would still get together and visit.  Over time, Christy and I grew closer and started having girlfriend chats about “boys” over lunch.  We shared our secrets, fears and insecurities.  I was shocked that the person who I thought lived the perfect life, actually had some insecurities.  It’s like I realized that her blood ran red, just like mine.  I vowed that if there was ever a person that I could trust on this earth, it was Christy!  A true friend.

Well the day came when Christy, met her Prince Charming.  His name was Joe.  WOW… he was a good looking boy.  If she was Barbie, he certainly was her Ken.  She was so happy.  They were the perfect couple.  He was truly a prince and treated her like the queen she was.   I was so happy for my dear friend.  Then the day came when she told me she was getting married.  I was so happy for her!  And on that special day, I sat in the third row of the First Baptist Church with great pride and joy for her!   After the service, I gave her a hug on the steps of the church and told Joe “Please take care of my friend, I love her too.”

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I hadn’t heard from Christy after the wedding, thinking of course she is on a honeymoon… a perfect honeymoon.  Then after they returned, I didn’t hear from her but I thought: “she’s got step sons now, so she’s busy with them.”  After a few weeks, I ran into Christy at the Douglas Park racetrack.  My daughter and her stepsons were both cross-country running for their respective schools.  Christy, Joe, me and my husband Dave sat in the bleachers and chatted.   Christy had mentioned that she was thinking about quitting her job and being a stay at home mom.  WOW!  That’s so not like her, I thought, but marriage something changes things.  How lucky, the person with the perfect life, now gets to be a stay at home mom with her stepsons, something I had always wanted to do for my daughter.  But I was happy for Christy!  After all, she was my friend!

I tried calling Christy a few times after that meeting but calls were not returned.  I justified it by saying that she was busy being an awesome stepmom! 

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Then the moment of “truth” happened.  Again, we meet at Douglas Park as our kids are at another cross country meet.  I see her and wave over at her and she barely acknowledged me.  I went to sit on the bleachers with her but it was obvious that Joe and her wanted to be alone.  She didn’t even smile at me.  She just looked down, a forced grin now and again, but that’s all. 

So, the truth comes out: 

• I am an embarrassment to her.  
• She does not want to be seen in public with the likes of me.  
• It’s because I am <fill in the blank here… some suggestions are poor, not fashionable, certainly not pretty, fat… any derogatory term would suffice>. 

So, back to what does she see in me?       …Nothing good.

 

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She doesn’t want my friendship.  She doesn’t like me anymore.  Whatever she was using me for (and I still can’t possibly think of what to put here as it’s insane thinking) but whatever she was using me for, she’s done with.  What does she see in me?  Nothing worthy.  I leave knowing I will never see her again.  I just don’t fit in with her perfect lifestyle.

Fast forward a few years.  I’ve grown a bit.  I see her name cross my “You may know” list on Facebook.  I send a message “Remember me?” with a few more formal niceties.  Then she adds me as a friend and all is happy again.  I see she is no longer with Joe… what the heck?  

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And she lives and works in Carribean!!  Oh my gosh!  WOW!  Good for her.  I was so happy for her!  I had matured and much of my insecurity had diminished so all was literally forgotten.  I had my friend back!  I had vowed to get to Carribean to see her but each time my plans either fell apart or my money was needed elsewhere.  One way or another, I would find my friend again.  I missed her.

Fast forward a couple years later.  She’s moved back to Canada and has a baby!  Wow!  How perfect is that?  She lives in another city but close enough that I know we will see each other again.  Then one day I get a text:  “I’ll be in Regina on Tuesday and really want to see you.  Let’s go for supper!”  My heart skipped a beat!  This isn’t a one-way longing.  She wants to see ME too!  We meet at Earls and give each other a long overdue hug!  I had my friend back!  Just as we are about to catch up, we see a lady Christy knew sitting at a table all alone.  Neither Christy or I would enjoy ourselves if we didn’t invite her over.  After all, nobody should have to eat alone.  Needless to say, Christy and I did not get the nitty-gritty questions asked or answered but we had a wonderful time anyway!

One more fast forward to last month. 

I am chatting with Christy online when I can tell that she needs a friend.  More than that, she needs a hug!  The very next day, I get up bright and early… which is a HUGE sacrifice for me, and I drive two hours to give her a hug and have lunch.  While at lunch, I ask that question I’ve been dying to know:  What happened to Joe?  

Perfect Joe… Perfect Joe was actually wife-beater Joe. 

Yes, shortly after they said “I do”… well, everyone knows how this paragraph ends....

On the long drive back home, God opened the book of memories in my brain, and what I saw disgusted me.

Rewind to that day at Douglas Park.  Of course she wasn’t smiling.  Of course she faked a grin.  Of course Joe did not want them to sit with us.  It’s all the signs of abuse.

And I allowed my own insecurities to blind me. 

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So what did she see in me?  A hell of a lot more than I saw in myself, that’s for sure! 

How I hated myself for this!  I let her down! 

Many years have passed since that day.  Our lives took different turns and they are not perfect in anyway, but they are fulfilling with the laughter and hugs of our children… and fulfilling when we hug each other and just talk about “boys” again. True friends can be apart for years, but they pick up where they left off like it was yesterday.  

I felt intense guilt for not seeing the signs, but moreso, for being selfish.  I was young, foolish, insecure and … human.  I forgive myself.  I know she forgives me.  And the best pay-it-forward I can do is to have others read this story for the time when they ask themselves “what does she see in me?